Please Pardon the Interruption...

As previously explained, I took a brief break from reality this past weekend. I claimed to be "helping out" my Brawlers as they played one of the best roller derby teams in Texas. Once I saw the proof of it, I realized what I really did was stand around and make funny faces as well as be distracted by my reality. Yes, I'm waving to The Kitten, and yes, there seem to be a million pics of me standing around. Sometimes I prayed (see the blurry score behind me..the number not in double digits is ours). Sometimes I did look a bit like my old self (you can see my butt that sent that jammer flying). Mostly I had fun even though I felt (and still feel) pain.

I was reminded of some of the reasons I quit. My husband having to drag my daughter away from me, kicking and screaming because she wanted to stay and have fun. Being put in the penalty box for two things that I know I didn't do and not even getting a minor for blatantly (although not purposely) tripping the jammer. (Don't get me wrong on this...I respect the refs, but I think we've made their job next to impossible.) Knowing that no matter how hard I try, it's not going to be enough for somebody, anybody.

What really brought me back to reality though is seeing for sure that all the weight I lost while on the cardio program is back. I can't wait to get in that leopard-print tankini I ordered! Meow!

The Cat is Back!

That's right! The big purple cat will be making an appearance on the flat track (if I don't kill myself trying to get ready for the bout next weekend). With some skaters out with injuries and some skaters just returning from injuries, my team needs a little bit of help in dealing with a bad-ass team from Austin.

Soooo...if you sat around for three years talking about how you were going to see me skate one of these days, now is your chance...probably your last chance. I can't guarantee it will be pretty, but who really wants derby to be pretty anyway?

Merry Christmas!

Purple Cat Ornament

Originally uploaded by Catazon.

I'm not going to post about my health program for the next two weeks...I don't have to meet with my mentor until January anyway. I'm going to try to maintain during that time, although I'm not doing so well already. I'm going to have a merry Christmas regardless.

Free Lessons in Destructive Criticism

I was waiting for a picture of me, with glowing eyes, actually jumping on the back of a poor, innocent opposing skater, but Death By Chocolate commented me with this lolcat gem that just hit the spot:



I was ejected from the Brawlers' amazing victory over ACRD's Bombshell Brigade for fighting. I decided to take matters into my own hands when one of their skaters decided to block me with an elbow from out of bounds completely around the rink. Maybe constructive feedback would have stopped at jumping on her back, but I guess the stressful week of derby I had just lived through convinced me to take a few jabs at her face after ripping her helmet off. I crossed the line into destructive. At least my team didn't self-destruct.

Sunday night was a crowd-pleaser, and boy, did HRD need one. The home team worked on a slight blowout (Brawlers 123, Brigade 100), and the underdog won the second bout by one point (Betties 77, Sirens 76). The fans raved over the showmanship and the suspense. My ego loves it when the fans rave.

Then Monday morning comes bright and early as it always does after bout nights, and Sharon Stone couldn't have asked for a better example of karma. When your shower caddy falls and leaves a six-inch contusion on your calf muscle after your fist put a knot the size of a quarter on a derby girl's forehead...now that's karma. You should have seen what I did to that caddy. Beware of the Catazon, inanimate objects and sloppy skaters!

Happy Posts?

At the end of the highly controversial Brawlers vs. Betties bout last night, Elle McFierce exclaimed over how I would write a happy post today. That was right before I fell over from exhaustion.

It's not like I did anything to become exhausted. Except for one grand slam, an almost inefficient backwards whip given to Audiomind, and a fun little blocker takeout while jamming on Becky Booty, my performance was pretty much dismal. I wasn't expecting it to be much more than that after a couple of weeks of forced inactivity.

I also wasn't expecting the Brawlers to win, but we did. I really shouldn't admit that I don't have a lot of faith in my home team, but we all remember the tough year the Brawlers went through in 2007. 2008 was starting to look almost identical, but now we've won a game somewhat early in the season. I'm positive we can take another one if we all get and stay healthy. I still heart my Brawlers, even though the rest of my body is consumed with HaRD Knocks.

So I'm feeling alright today, even though I could barely walk last night. Then I get the bad news that I won't get a job interview I was pretty sure I would nail. That just boggles my mind, because I look great on paper, and I'm even better in person when I really, really want the job (and who wouldn't really, really want a job at a prestigious private school?). Damn. So I keep reminding myself it's probably better that I don't take a new job while my personal life is so stressful, even though I do have an interview with a major player in the oil & gas industry in a couple of weeks. Sweet.

Yeah, Elle, this post was a little bit happy, but a little bit bummed, too. I seriously need to get out of this funk before the summer gets outrageously busy with bouts, bouts, and more bouts on top of my obsession with finding the perfect job as well as getting a big girl ready for kindergarten. Oh, happy posts!

Find a Remedy

In 2008, the Brawlers are headed to the bottom of the barrel again. We've already lost to the two best teams in HRD. This Sunday, we were only down by eleven at halftime against the Bosse$, but we let them keep their same scoring pace in the second half while severely hampering our own. I guess by that time I had pretty much given up.

After a couple of jams when I couldn't get out of the pack, I started pointing the finger at my team and screaming about how they needed to step it up. After a couple of more jams that looked exactly the same, I started to turn the finger towards myself. I saw our win slipping further and further out of reach, and the rest of the team seemed to be utterly emotionless about it. I was getting more and more frustrated trying to figure out why.

Ever since I got stuck in a pack during the HaRD Knocks scrimmage against Rocky Mountain in February, I've been complaining about how I'm not the jammer I used to be. I've been making excuses about my worn-out skates, the fifteen pounds I can't lose, and the blocking ability of my team.

Then I saw it. A sign blinked at me from above: "Don't find fault; find a remedy."

Now me, I'm not much for inspirational mumbo-jumbo, but to see that sign the morning after I just lost another bout...hmmm. Maybe I need to quit telling myself and anyone listening that I'm not a jammer anymore and start doing the off-skate workouts I need to get my speed and agility back. Maybe I need to get serious about those fifteen pounds, and quit drinking those damn Cokes every morning and eating that whole bag of Flat Earth chips at one sitting. Maybe I need to make my teammates hit each other over and over and over again until they get as excited as I am.

Maybe one bag of chips a week?

Another Rodeo Plug

"God help us...not another post on the rodeo when she hasn't even told us about Sunday's bout!" I know that's what you're thinking, and I do apologize. I'm waiting to see tangible evidence before I continue ranting. And we lost...I hate talking about that.

Anyway, I get a lot of questions about what I do as a rodeo volunteer, and although this article doesn't tell you specifically what I do, it does give you a general idea of what it's like to be a rodeo volunteer. I'm halfway through my fifth year of volunteering, and I get to pay $5 for a pin that says so. Yeehaw.

What Does Burlesque Mean to You?

If you said half-clothed women, you get a cookie. I'll probably eat if before I see you, but it's the thought that counts, right? At least we are thinking. Others who didn't realize that the Burlesque Brawlers might be running around half-clothed for their photo shoot this weekend...well, what can I say? I guess not very many can say they've been (figuratively) kicked out of a professional athlete's home for being provocative.

Don't worry. This season's sexy Brawler shots will be up on the website soon.

Another Caturday at Work

So you get another cat picture.



I give you two cats (or parts thereof) for the price of one. Catazon and The Kitten dream of a purple Christmas while decorating their Brawler Christmas tree. Now that's the holiday spirit!

I Don't Deserve It

Houston Roller Derby honored its best and brightest of the 2007 season this past Sunday. All of the winners except one were completely deserving of their awards. One of the winners sat out almost half the season. One of the winners did not even do her best work once she came back. It took a couple of months for her to honestly feel like she was positively contributing. By that time, her team was praying for just one win and a third place finish. Yes, that "winner" is Catazon, the Burlesque Brawler's Best Blocker of 2007.

That made my whole freakin' year right there! First, I must give special thanks to my teammates for all their support this year, and to the rest of the league for believing in me. Also, thanks to a friend who gave me some extra encouragement and now makes me cry by bringing it up at emotional moments. Second, I apologize to anyone I offended after I started celebrating. I don't remember everything I did, but I know I'm very sorry for dancing inappropriately, singing off-key, indecently exposing myself, making unfounded accusations, and generally being the obnoxious drunk that I so perfectly can be. Damn, that was fun! Now on to the next excuse...

(The following picture was in the comments before I moved my blog, hence the last comment, but you can't do that on Blogger. Try not to judge me too harshly.)

I Thought It Would Never End

The 2007 HRD season is finally over. The Psych Ward Sirens (4-1) repeated as champions even though the Bayou City Bosses (4-1) were undefeated going into the final bout, and surprise, surprise...the Burlesque Brawlers (1-4) stole third place from the Machete Betties (1-4).

I tried to keep the Brawlers from winning with some crazy antics in the first half of the bout, including first getting called for a major on a 20-foot violation when I was simply standing next to a Bettie and then assuming I was lead jammer when I came out of the pack ahead of the Betties' jammer instead of confirming it by looking at my assigned ref. It's not good when your jammer goes to the box, but it can be funny if your jammer just put the opposing jammer in the front row. After all that, the Brawlers were down by only nine at halftime, and I realized I better get my act together in the second half. Thank God the rest of the Brawlers were there to play instead of put on a show. So I toned down the hissing and scratching and scored ten points in one jam (lapped their jammer twice), then nine points in my next jam (only got her once that time). The rest of my girls kept their heads in the game, too. With thirty seconds to go, we were ahead by three, just starting the last jam, and knew that not even the best jammer in the league could score in that time frame. It was so beautiful, I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried some more, because I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. and it was 2:30 a.m.

I'm starting to get over this crazy derby season and look ahead (keep watching for major announcements), though things like this make it fun to look back:

Que 'The Lone Ranger' Theme music

Fiery quads with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a
hearty, "Hi Ho Catazon!" The big cat is back! "Hi Ho Catazon,
away!" With her faithful team, the Burlesque Brawlers, the daring
and resourceful catlike skater of the flat track led the fight
against a winless season in HRD. Last night she returned to us those
thrilling days of yesteryear. Catazon skates again!

It was great seeing Catazon skate again with her fire and passion! I
credit Catazon with introducing me to HRD. ~ Dirty Sanchez

Thank you to everyone that encouraged me and the Brawlers to keep going. Thank you, Brawlers, for a season that ended much better than it began. Although it was looking scary there for a couple of weeks, we pulled it together in crunch time. Proud to be purple, always and forever.

The Brawlers Win It, The Brawlers Win It, OMG, The Brawlers Win It!

I'm stealing a quote from one of my favorite movies, replacing Indians with Brawlers. Gotta love the underdog. Although the title of this post should be more along the lines of "Boo-hoo-hoo." I'm still getting a little teary-eyed thinking of how my team brought, brung, branged, opened up a can of whoop-ass all over IT! What a night. I'll post details as soon as I get more sleep and can control my emotions more effectively.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, or The Brawlers' Losing Streak

After every game the Brawlers lose, someone out there says, "Brawlers will be the team to beat next year." After every game the Brawlers lose, I want to plug my ears for a few days so I don't go off on someone about how they have made it alright for the Brawlers to lose this year. Because to me, it's never alright to lose and it's never alright to make excuses.

I'm sure nobody knows this and I can't believe I'm going to divulge this, but I cry in my car on the way home from every bout. This past Sunday, my tears were also due to relief that I made it through the one-year anniversary of the worst injury of my life in one piece. I've been making excuses for not bringing my "A game" (as a fan called it), but I'm done. I'm going to shed my own personal self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope everyone joins me and stops making excuses because the Brawlers are rookies, the Brawlers are rebuilding, or the Brawlers are fan favorites (obviously that is just a downright misconception since there were only about 200 people left in the building for our second half).

So you might have been expecting more of a recap. Derby supporters and zealous fans have done a pretty good job of that elsewhere. The Brawlers will play the Betties in October for third place. I'm hoping to post a recap on a self-defeating prophecy.

I Sway Towards Pessimism

In the last jam of the Brawler/Siren bout on Sunday, I remarked to a teammate that we did exactly what we didn't want to do...let the Sirens score the most points on us this season. She replied, "But this is the most points we've scored yet." True.

I've spent a lot of time this season looking at the dark side of things. Somebody has to, I'm good at it, and as co-captain and former bench-warmer, why shouldn't it be me? Sunday's bout gave me a lot of reasons to look at the bright side, though.

We did score 104 points, almost more than we had scored in our first two bouts put together. I haven't seen jammer stats yet, but I know I had a 7-point jam to help with that. The Beast is back! Our blocker stats improved across the board. Sinister Sista had a particularly impressive showing, including a beautiful jammer-take-out on Dementia that has somehow ended up on YouTube. One of the Sirens put me into the front row, and even though that's not a bright side for me or the girl I landed on, it is a bright side for the league because it didn't happen much last year. We are all improving!

So I promise to keep a positive spin on the Brawler's 0-3 season, and look toward the playoffs in August with all the optimism I can stomach. Congrats to the Bosses going 3-0! If we stick with the seeded tournament for playoffs like the league has discussed, the Bosses get the privilege of taking on the new and improved Brawlers.

Mayhem Did Live Up to Its Name

The Brawlers lost again, 128-43. Now a lopsided bout really isn't that interesting, but the Brawlers added a little spice to it by picking a fight with the Bosse$ at the end of Sunday's bout. Our captain yelled at their captain something about how much they suck for kicking us when we are down, and about five seconds later, we were all going at it. About five minutes later, somebody asked me if it was real. What do you think? ;)

The other bout of the evening didn't need a bench-clearing brawl to keep the audience's attention. The Betties and Sirens were almost evenly-matched, with a Betties' jammer racking up 10+ points then the Sirens putting a dent in it with their own 10-point jam. In the end, the Sirens came out ahead, 137-116.

All HRD teams get a two-month break to regroup while the HaRD Knocks and a second HRD all-star team take on Alamo City and Austin's Honky Tonk Heartbreakers, respectively, for the Big Top Brawl in June.

We're Having a Party

The Burlesque Brawlers are trying to raise some money to cover uniform expenses, practice fees, and all those other things that add up to a bunch of broke derby girls. You might be thinking...well, they can make lots of money if they try to live up to their name...sorry, but there ain't gonna be no pole dancing or mud wrestling involved.

See what?

I called lineups for the Burlesque Brawlers Sunday night. Sure, it sounds easy. You have up to two minutes to tell five women what position they are playing in the next jam. No problem. Then one of your jammers complains about a knee injury, then another is slammed into the bench and comes up with a huge welt on her shoulder, then another skated almost the entire track out-of-bounds (still getting hit while she was out there) and wants to give up (rightly so), and suddenly, you can throw all your carefully-planned lineups in the trash.

I can't write a recap of the Brawlers vs. Betties, because I spent most of my time with my back to the rink, asking my team who could skate in the next jam. I did see one of our veterans, Wreckhell Welch, get in a fight with Beverly Kills at the end of the first half. I did see some out-of-bounds hits, only because they happened in front of the bench and had me scooting away from the sideline. I did see our blockers get blindsided more than once due to their continued habit of focusing on one opponent and not seeing the whole floor. I was not able to count points, see how each ref was calling the game, watch the other team's strengths and weaknesses, and other observant things I'm able to do while skating. I planned on watching the video to come up with a good recap, but I'm tired of thinking about it.

The bottom line is the Brawlers lost 162-57, and I have to come up with a way to narrow that gap before we play the Bosse$ in May. My return to the rink would help, but that is still not an option. As I previously mentioned, the Bosse$ beat the Sirens, 90-79. If I had to rank HRD's teams on their ability to kick someone's ass on any given day, it would go like this: Bosse$, Sirens, Betties, Brawlers. In my opinion, even though the Betties did such a fine job of preparing us for how it rolls in HRD (some of you might know that's an inside joke), it's going to be even tougher on the Brawlers in May.

Is This What Intervention Feels Like?

Sometimes I wish that my experiences in roller derby were more like my husband's experiences at the deer lease. If one of the guys isn't pulling his own weight, showing up for work weekends and whatnot, then they get cussed for being the low-down, dirty SOBs that they are in that instance, and everyone moves on. No drama allowed.

Instead, I get to deal with emergency meetings where girls wear their feelings on their sleeves and you can see on everyone's face how they would rather be anywhere but here. It doesn't end when the bitch-fest is over either. Some girls will hold grudges from that meeting until the day they die. Drama will prevail!

The Brawlers lived through an intervention last night. As their new co-captain, I must now take some sort of responsibility to ensure that we never have to suffer through one again.

The Cast is ON!

And displaying its brilliantly beautiful Brawler spirit!

MySpace post on the same topic:
The Cast is ON!
As everyone can see from my profile pic, the cast is indeed on. Four more weeks of bondage, then I get to see how much more my calf muscle resembles some old lady's upper arm saddlebags. GROSS!!!

The Last Bout of the Regular Season

Here's the promotional material:



Although we haven't officially made the annoucement and most likely won't until after Bout 6, this should be a preview of the championship in September. Hopefully, the Brawlers will gel like we did in Bout 5 and give the Sirens some good competition.